Thing I Find Weird About China, Part 2: Eating Ability

I remember eating anything as a kid. Literally, anything. I understand from my parents that at a young age I wasn’t a particularly picky eater. Sure, I’d fuss about a few things while I sat in my highchair but overall I wasn’t concerned about whatever food was going into my mouth as long as there was food going into my mouth. My mother has a picture of me, age two, at a family bbq: a fat, round blondie with ringlets in a bathing suit giving the camera cuteye for taking time away from me eating my hotdog, which I was holding up and maliciously squishing to death in my left hand while my right hand was settled “no-nonsense” style on my hip. This picture can be said to have defined my eating habits for the rest of my life.

As I continued through the ages and expanded my palate, my sister stayed stagnant in her eating habits. She refused to consume anything other than dry cereal and McDonalds for a good portion of her life. And by “eat McDonalds” I mean order a “cheeseburger happymeal with nothing on it but extra extra extra pickles”. For a solid eight years, from grades 1 until the end of elementary school, Tyler would only eat a cheese whiz sandwich for lunch, which consisted of cheese whiz slathered between two pieces of Wonderbread or Texas Toast White (“On BOTH sides, Mom, not just one!”). It got to a point where my dad began to bet us we wouldn’t eat certain things in exchange for money. My sister downright refused to eat things, except for the rarest occasions, while I happily agreed to stuff whatever morsel down my throat for a few extra dollars in my allowance that week. Specific instances I still remember, such as spitting a snail into the aisle at The Keg or eating King Crab for vacation spending money. All of these instances resulted in me eating the food, my sister complaining about the cash, and both of us getting money (to my constant disappointment). Eventually my dad had to stop this process, because despite its hilarity, I would have made him broke.

There is a saying in China that roughly translates into “If it runs, swims, flys or crawls, we eat it.” This is 100% true. I have explained in previous posts my surprised at walking into the grocery story and finding everything you could imagine hanging or swimming, dead or alive, in the aisles. I have posted videos of live scorpions on sticks and tarantulas, lizards and starfish waiting to be consumed as street food. The supermarket I go to, which is a French brand named Carrefour, has one half aisle for Western-style products. The rest is for Asian food, meaning everything you can think of. I thought I was finally accustomed to this until a week or two ago when I stumbled upon a new thing settled between the giant gutted and dried hanging pigs and the live eels and turtles swimming the fish tanks: grub.

I don’t remember exactly what they are called. I don’t remember exactly what they are the babies of. I don’t even know what their purpose for existence is. All I really know is that they DISGUST me beyond all reason and understanding. That day I was shopping for some lunch and walking toward a salad bar that they have set up. I passed a big barrel with these weird-looking brown pods on it, about two to three inches long and perfectly cylindrical. I am constantly amazed by what the Chinese can eat, so peered in to take a better look. As I did, my foot slipped on the just-washed floor and I accidently kicked the barrel. ALL of the brown cylinders began SQUIRMING! I backed away, horrified at what I was discovering, but that’s not the end of it. Oh, no. A woman walked by with her shopping cart and settled close to the barrel so she could take a look at some fish. Her infant son, sitting in the seat of the cart, reached over and grabbed one of the bugs to unceremoniously bite into half of the wriggling, disgusting freak of an insect. It squished and crunched. I ran, grabbed the nearest bag I could see, and quietly threw up in it.

My advice for you: If you ever visit China, be prepared to eat things and NOT ask questions.